Something borrowed. Something New

Robert Browning wrote:

Grow old along with me

The best is yet to be
The last of life, for which the first was made:

Our times are in his hand
Who saith, “A whole I planned,
Youth shows but half; trust God: see all, nor be afraid!”

^{I am sure where to even start. So like any good story I will start with "Once upon a time...." Lived a happy girl who had long brown hair, big blue wondrous eyes, and the best childhood anyone could of asked for. Her feet were like leather because she lived outside and never wore shores. Her sun kissed checks were rosy all summer long. She would dance for hours, carelessly underneath the big open sky. She would think hard about how one day she would fly over the mountains that surrounded her tiny town. She was blessed with stability and the gift to be able to live in the same house her whole life with her parents and siblings. Oh how she had the best siblings. Her younger brother was not only her best friend, but her co-Creator of a world beyond imagine. When there minds were put together they could go anywhere, do anything, be who ever they fancied to be. One could even say these two young dreamers spend more time being Indians, or school teachers, than an eight and five year old. Life was not all play, however. She learned work. Caring for pigs taught her that. Oh how she pored her heart and soul into those little soft, wrinkly piglets that would squeal when hungry, then sleep on your lap when sleepy. Her thankfulness and love for those pigs could take up pages upon pages. In her mind she was royalty upon the animals and plants on her families ranch and farm. On late summer evenings when the sun was just barley staring its decent behind the mountains to retreat for the night our heroine would ride joyfully beside her father in his red, GMC pickup. The window rolled all the way down so she could hang her hand out and touch the adoring foliage as she drove by. The whole time the wind gently caressed her face and tousled her hair with its warm earthly touch. Everything seemed so right. Felt so right. The little girl knew and loved her place on earth. So many more memories could be portrayed. For the stories are endless. The memories are with out end.}

^{I am grown up now. This story is only beginning for me. As I told my dear friend what life was like growing up on a ranch and a farm in my podunk town i could not help but to long to go back, and be the ranch princess I was. Yet I now realize is I still am that girl. I am still Katie with my brown hair, big eyes, and wondrous personality. I still have my big browned eyed brother to call and share all my worries, concerns, dreams and wishes with. Nothing has changed. It certainly may feel different because my physical barrings are changed, yet I am still me. Even now I have big tears streaming down my face. The same tears that would fall as a child when I approached disappointments and loss.}

^{I believe in perfect timing. I know that God has an incredible knack for timing. I am so grateful for this. As I was having all my feelings of my childhood, my dear Syl wrote a beautiful blog post about the art of letting go. Here is the link. Read it. For she so eloquently puts into words how i feel.}

http://syliloquies.blogspot.com/2011/04/theres-picture-on-one-of-my-mantles-of.html

The art of letting go can apply into every aspect of our journey. I am learning to let go of an outcome I want so that it can develop and be what it needs to be. I recently went through an experience with someone who choose something far differnet than what I wanted. As the weeks have gone by i have been in so much pain, feeling betrayed. Now that i let go of their choice and let them live their own experience I can now feel joy instead of sadness. While i was praying over this same person a while ago I learned I am free when I give others their freedom. To echo Syl's words its not about holding someone/ ourself captive to how they were at one time. We all have the opportunity to evolve and grow. As much as i miss the past, I can have faith that the future holds something equally as grand as my past. And by living in the present I am sustained with the possibles for the future.

After reading Syl's post my friend who patiently sat and listened to me reminisce in the past gave me this talk by Elder Holland. How inspired. This is a great action talk for knowing how to bridge the past and the future. I am so grateful for my past, my present and the future I get to live.

http://lds.org/liahona/2010/01/the-best-is-yet-to-be?lang=eng&query=elder+holland+byu+devotional+2009

Awareness

I must say its been quite a while since the last time i poured out the most tender of my feelings on this wonderful blog of my mine. It's funny for I know no one reads it yet, it seems that just becuase it is on a blog then I must have an audience. Hmmm...what a fun thought. Going off of fun thoughts I have many to share. First of all, I am not the same girl who wrote on this last time. No. I am differenct. I mean I have grown. Of course I probably look the same on the exteior (despite the shorter more curler hair) the interior had some redecorationg. You see I am done with massage therapy school. Hold back your applause. I am so grateful to be done. I learned tons, yet had no idea how happy I would feel to not have to go back. School is always an interesting thing for me. In the moment, I for the most part really enjoy it. Yet, as soon as I am done I marval at how I ever did it. I know that in the moment God gives me the strength neseccary to accomplish what it is I need to do. This is a wonderful gift which provides me with much hope. After school was out I went home to for two weeks. Ahhh...what an amazing gift. While there I really had time to think about what I wanted to achieve when i got back to living my life. Now i am more determined than ever. I am going to to Thai Partner Yoga this summer. This seems a strong determined resolve to earn the money, which as a working girl i am going to do. Sorry I think i hit the wall with this post. It is not nearly as deep as I would of liked it to be.

Wings

On this beautiful Friday morning I find myself enjoying my typical green smoothie particularly green today with spinach, kale, and collard greens. They are accented with the creamy texture of banana and pear, and the sweet taste of ripened blueberries. As I slowly allow this mixture to gently glide down my throat I am grateful for the strength it gives my body. This experience is magnified by the sound of my current favorite band: Mumford and Sons. Their lyrics are borrowed from Shakespeare and the bible. They have so much emotion in each song that spills over into my heart and soul. This is particularly appreciated at this time as I am swimming in a brilliant pool of emotions, thoughts, passions, hopes, dreams, and the array of possibles. I have recently asked myself the questions, "Katie, who are? What does your heart honestly desire?" Such simple questions should yield simple answers. Right? Wrong. You see I stand four weeks away from graduating massage therapy school. Man did that every fly by. I have grown exponentially. I have found love, friends, passions, a new way of life. Yoga has slowly breathed life into my limp body. It has transformed me into a vibrant being who dares to dream again. Now I could off on all my negative fears, worries and limiting beliefs, but what good does that do? Instead let me share with you what I know and feel.

What a fantastic place for me to be really. I get to choose whatever I want to do. Lately, I have been feeling the need to do all these ground things in discovering what I want to do. There are millions of sources out there that really can help us channel our feelings, dreams into what we really want. I guess you could say I have felt overwhelmed that I decided not to do anything. I have been passively waiting for the universe to bring me what I really want. Funny thing is how can it bring me anything when i do not know what to ask for. I keep allowing my thoughts to invade me with "oh just wait it out." Hello! How on earth can someone like me wait? Hmmm...now i know there are times when patience is how we should embrace a situation, yet I let myself become depressed in the name of patience. Crying myself to sleep and waking with those same tears is no way to live. On one particularly bad morning i wrote this plea to my Heavenly Father, "One would think that after all the inspiration and spiritual conformation I have received that I would be on top of my game loving life, and the array of possibilities that come with it. No, instead I am left feeling empty, depressed and lethargic. I feel like my dream scape has been sucked dry, and that I am passively lying on a rough, cracked, uneven dessert floor. It’s overcast, yet it won’t rain. If only I could have some rain. That would heal my wounds right? That would bring green and growth to my desolate dessert. Ahhh…the thought of rain, with its cool refreshing touch that glides down your skin, mixing in and washing away your tears. The aroma of hope and a new start. I feel like a flower, wilted and dying." What is so ironic is that very day it rained. I let the thought of just to wait to take over my ability to dream and actively play a part in my life. I let myself get lost in self pity. I was overwhelmed at the steps i could take. Even this morning as I gently laid in bed feeling the little rays of the warm sun caress my face, I could myself trying to sift through all the crap in my head, to find what I could today to change my situation.

Yesterday was a big eye opener for me. In my business class we had a panel of massage therapist come and answer our questions about being in business. The panel consisted of four women who have all been involved in the massage industry for the past five years. They have their own businesses, and are strong, powerful women who have created for themselves what what they want. I left feeling this urgently to start deciding what i wanted. When I came home I found my gemstone necklace had been sent back to me after being restrung and rejuvenated. What a gift from my angels. The purpose of this necklace is to give strength in helping one find their personal power. I drove down to teach yoga. I was blessed to be able to get there an hour early. This allowed me to do some chanting and meditation, before class. During yoga I could feel myself getting frustrated and agitated. The ever present thoughts of hopelessness were all around me. Luckily for me, afterwards i had planned to stay and study anatomy with Christi and Frank. A gift that I may not be able to explain. I expressed my feelings of frustration and hopelessness in not knowing what I wanted to do. As we rubbed warmth into each others feet Frank told of us life. Just talking to him brought me much hope about what I could do.

Now that I have cleared my head, I am ready to claim back my power and my right to be happy. The thought came to me of opening my own place, or finding a place to rent with someone. Why not create what I can't find? Sounds good to me. I have talents. I have the ability to attract the people, money and experiences in my life that will bring me the most joy. My wings are working and ready to sore to new heights. Whoever wants to come with me. COME! Come into my life like a great wind bringing with you the gifts that will lift and strengthen us. Thank you God, I am and joyful and grateful that i am now having my angles:

Help me connect with like-minded people.

Help me be aware of my power.

Help me be aware of my importance.

Guide me to thoughts that are in harmony with my core desires.

Bring me evidence of how this creation process works in fun, delightful and comfortable ways.

Now instead of waiting for what I want to come to me I going to find it. I may have to try things out to decided if I really like them, for how will I ever know if I do not try? I know my Heavenly Father will be there with me protecting me and allowing me to sore and discover what I want. Namaste.

Freedom

Happy New Year! First off, I would like to say good bye to 2010. Thank you 2010 for all that you taught me. I do not even know where I would be if i did not experience the many things I did. I grew so much. I graduated high school, found yoga, and most importantly found a love in my Savior Jesus Christ that had been dim for so long. Now instead of living in a dimly lit room, that was narrow and empty, I am living high on a mountain top, green with foliage, with a warm river of the most exquisite blue imaginable. I am surrounded by an army of people, or not only help and support me. I had a dream last year that I feel pretty much sums up the changes that I made in 2010.

I recently had a dream, where I saw my self as an 8 year old walking on this desolate road that ran through such a dark and dreary place[1]. She was completely alone. Everything was gray and lifeless. What was even more frightening than the landscape was the countenance of the child I was looking at. Her once beautiful blue eyes that radiated joy and happiness, were dull and faded, the smile that was normally seen was no where to be found. Her sun kissed cheeks were pale and limp. Her body that loved to dance for hours was lifeless. She just kept walking forward, she was being pulled by little ropes[2], that were barley noticeable. I called to my little 8 year old Katie self, yet I knew that she could not hear me. I was dreaming and had no control. I just wanted somebody to help. [3]

As soon as I thought this, I saw my niece, Mary who I had grown up with come to me. Though she is now still a child, in my dream she was a powerful young woman. She had a sword, in her hand, and a bow with arrows slung over her back. Her blond hair was illuminated with bright light, and her brown eyes showed determination. With one quick movement Mary cut the cords that blinded my little 8 year old Katie to that destructive and painful path.[4]

Little Katie fell onto the ground, weak, and frightened not knowing what to do with this new freedom. I watched helplessly. Then I saw my younger sister Anna, come. I saw her as a powerful young woman. Anna’s loving nurturing personality was just what my dying young Katie needed. Anna instantly went to work helping Katie, She brushed her long gnarly hair, and braided it so it was out of her face. She bathed her, and put her in a new white dress. She spoke sweet words of encouragement, to her and sang songs of joy, that this young girl Katie had not heard for so long. As Anna, was helping Katie, Mary was standing guard. Then another girl came forth Sarah, my other niece. Sarah came in bringing Sunshine and joy. She was dancing and twirling as she laughed. Her Brown eyes emanating love and innocent. I saw my eight year old self, watch Sarah. I could see such a longing in her eyes to be free. However, she felt to ashamed, she could never, be like Sarah again. She had witnessed just too much Too many messages that degraded womanhood?

Sarah went over to little Katie and gave her a hug. Taking my young Katie’s hand into hers. Sarah was gentle and caring. Anna, explained to little Katie that they were going to take her on a high mountain where she would be safe, and where she could get some experience healing. As they walked Katie was racked with fear. “Fear” of moving foreword. She broke down sobbing. The three girls [young women] gently helped and encouraged her forward.

They were soon high upon a mountain top. The top of the mountain was covered with green trees and Foliage. In the center was a large weeping willow tree that seemed to invite Katie to stand under is shade. It was brilliant and safe.[5] Little Katie looked around with wonder. Mary stood by her the whole time arrow in hand, ready to protect her. I watched as a powerful light filled being showed up to be with Katie. As I looked at her I realized that once again it was me. This time instead of seeing a lifeless eight her old, I saw a being so full of light, and knowledge. She was gorgeous beyond any measure. Her eyes shown like lighthouses. Looking at her I knew that she was the daughter of Heavenly parents. I realized I was looking at my whole, wise spirit self. She went over to eight year old Katie, and started to talk to her. She told her that she was free now, and had nothing to fear. Little [Katie] started to cry and said that she did not deserve love and happiness

Being on the mountain[6] allowed the whole land to be viewed. My wise, mature spirit self told little Katie to look at the darkness and people who had blinded her, She said, “they may look like a large army, but look at the forces behind you.” As little Katie turned her head, her perspective changed. She saw an army bigger then she could imagine. People filled with light. They had on armor and weapons. As she turned back to spirit she noticed that she too was now wearing armor, and weapons. Little Katie, felt so much protection. She no longer feared. As the dream was coming to an end I watched as my little eight year old self starting dancing, she was smiling and happy, I watched her spin and evolve into eternally progressed daughter of god and perfected woman.

Good Bye 2010...Hello 2011.

I started out my 2011 by attending the annual Bodhi Yoga Floral Water Meditation. What an amazing experience. Syl explained the energy of the year, and what to kind of expect. This knowledge is priceless in helping me understand what to create for myself. During my mediation I learned so much. The first thing I learned was that it was now my name that I start to teach yoga. I have been wanting to but have been avoiding it because I was scared. However, at this time it is my calling and I can no longer deny it. For if I did I would be like unto Jonas, and I do not really want to be swallowed up by a whale. I really want to do the Thai Partner Yoga training this summer. During my mediation I heard a voice tell me that that would be brought unto me, however I needed to be grateful for what I already had with the current yoga training I have right now. I need to show my gratitude for that by really developing a sincere yoga practice and to teach it, which is exactly what I am going to do. During the mediation I heard a voice ask me what my heart what it wanted. I heard it say freedom. Wow. I realize now that I have been like a princess in a tower over looking a beautiful valley. I can see the view, feel the wind on my skin, smell the fresh air, and taste the warm of the sun on my tongue. I can do all these things but i can't live it. I am stuck in my tower, trapped. I see and know what i want yet, that's not enough. I want to experience it, and dance with it. I want to jump down from my tower and dance in the meadow below, I want to touch the ground and be able to choose where I run off to next. Life is a spiral ever circulating here and there. There are so many possibilities to one situation, that we could never even comprehend it. I was the one that took away my freedom. I banished myself to that tower, because I did not believe in my ability to choose for myself. No longer am I going to live like this. In order for my life to be what I desire for it, I need to believe in myself and my ability to create. I longer need to control everything, but rather let the creative spiral move out on its own, spiralling ever forward and outward, and bringing about an endless array of possibilities.

Thank you God, I am so happy and grateful that i am now in 2011 experiencing freedom to the fullest.

Thank you God, I am so happy and grateful that I am now in 2011 learning who Katie is and staying attentive so I may hear her voice.

Thank you God, I am so happy and grateful that I am now allowing the creative spiral to work freeing in my life.

Thank you God, I am so happy and grateful that I am now experiencing thee as my greatest ally

Namaste

Listen to your heart

I have struggled with Anxiety ever since I could remember. Its been one of those things that I have put up with for so long that I just figured it would never quite go away. I feel my anxiety in my solar plexus region. Like clockwork i would wake up every morning feeling a pit in my stomach where then butterflies would explode from. This same feeling would occur when I drove, took a test, or even just thought about something stressful. Needless to say, this is not how i wanted to live. To deal with the problem I would put essential oils on my 3rd charka every morning and night, to try and calm it down. This would work for a time, however on really bad days it would give me little relieve. One Saturday morning, I got up and decided to drive down to Orem for a yoga class. The teacher that particular day happened to be a Kopha. I was so excited, knowing that I would be lead through a deep class. She said she wanted our focus that day to be on our heart, and to allow it the space to open up. Keeping that in mind I let my heart lead my practice. During savasana I had a total realization that instead of trying of trying to "fix" the problem by going straight to be 3rd chakra I needed to strengthen my heart chakra. (This made perfect sense to me since in massage therapy when someone comes in with neck and shoulder problems I almost always check the pecs. For if the pecs are tight then the neck muscles get pulled which causes the pain. We are to look at the opposite muscle that could be causing the pain. ) I also had a huge realization that for so long I had been living through my 3rd chakra which is "I think" I always did things because i thought them out and they "logically" made sense. This is not necessarily a bad thing, however in the process of doing this i learned to be governed by guilt and fear, instead of joy and faith. My heart chakra had lost its ability to help balance the choices i was making. For when one is living out of their heart charka they do things because they feel that its what they want to do.

After class i went over to the grocery store to pick up some snacks for my ride home, since i had not eaten breakfast. I quickly noticed a sale they were having on produce. I instantly with out even thinking (wow what a thought *no pun intended) bought some kiwi, avocados, and a green goodness bottled juice. When i got home i realized that i had purchased all green food. Green being the color of the heart chakra, I also realized i was wearing a light pink shirt. For days all i craved was green fruit, and vegetables, and I wore tons of pink. My heart chakra was finally being nourished. So now when i get anxiety and wake up with the thousands of butterflies, I know to first treat my heart then treat I my solar plexus. Living through my heart has brought about more joy, and freedom then have ever experienced. I am having to learn to balance it with some 3rd chakra or i end up staying up talking till three o'clock in the morning, but oh well I am learning...

http://www.bodhiyoga.com/

Just the Beginning

Wow what an experience this teacher has been. As I finish up my last weekend of training, I am brought to ponder the journey I have begun. As I was sitting last night listening to Syl, I was overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and loss. I felt as if all I wanted to do was cry, and morn the loss of not having the awakening classes each month. As I sat with these feelings a voice said to me, “Katie, this is not the end but only the beginning.” After I heard these words I realized that they were right. I am now just starting my journey down this wonder path, of awakening, healing, and my new way of life. After each weekend session, I could feel a new part of me awake. However, I must say that weekend four has had a profound effect on me, and has propelled me to want more, more joy, love, happiness, health, power, freedom. All of which I know are obtainable. I have been watching Syl’s Manifesting series. Wow. There really is no more to say about them.

As I sat last night after realizing that the journey is just beginning I thought about all the events that have led up to me being able to do the teacher training. I remember the place I was at last December at this time. I will never forget, the feelings of despair I felt. Day after day, I tried to be happy when all around me was darkness, and despair. I was sick almost every holiday, and three day weekend. I could literally feel my spirit starving for something more, something better. My senior year which I though should have been one of the best times in my life was no less then a struggle everyday to fight for the truths I cherished. As I look back I realize that during this time of complete survival, I was being led and blessed beyond ways I could ever imagine. The march of my junior year I remember going to Syl’s website. I do not know why I was led to go there, but I was. I sat for hours reading about all they trainings she offered. When I saw the Thai Partner Yoga, I felt something inside of me do a little jump like YES, this is what I want to do, even though I knew little about it.. Then I saw the yoga teacher training. Somehow I just knew that I even though I eventually wanted to become to be trained as a TPY, I needed to take this training to become a yoga instructor. I did not know how I would do it but, I knew that I would. Months went, and my senior year started. As I started planning where I wanted to go to school, the YTT was on my mind. I remember making a vision board, and putting the Bodhi Yoga logo on it.

During my senior year I was ASB president, a member of the band, on the honor roll, and held down a job. But I was not happy. Yes I enjoyed the many events that being a senior had to offer, but it felt so meaningless. As the months wore on I forgot about my desire to do yoga., until that January. I remember waking one Saturday morning, and like always going into my mom’s room to talk to her. We were talking and I started to cry. I expressed to her how stuck I felt. As I was explaining this to her, I realized I had had a dream that night. This is the dream: The dream started out with me in the band room at Lakeview High School. I was wearing black leggings and a black shirt. Over this I had my big pink robe that does not flatter my body what so ever. I was arguing with someone about how I knew I could fly, but they would not believe me. I was getting so upset. I just so wanted people to see what I was capable of. Then my dream turned to a nature scene. I was crying when a woman came to me and had me change into more flattering cloths. Then she walked be to the most amazing weeping willow tree. I walked over to the tree and just hugged the rough bark, as the braches that fell down wrapped around me. I started crying even harder for I finally felt safe.

As I was talking to my mom about it I told her I felt like the women in the women in my dream was Syl Carson, and the weeping willow was my Savior, and that Syl would help lead me to him and his healing. I felt so strong about doing the Yoga Certification program that she teaches. My mom trusted my inspiriting about the whole situation, but was not sure how any of it would work out, she wanted me to be wise with my money, and do schooling that would provide me with an income. Despite, her realism, I never gave up hope on being able to do the teacher training,

I had almost three thousand dollars saved. That March I went back to Syl’s site to see how much money it would be to do the training. To my amazement and delight it was almost the exact amount that I had saved up. Plus I was to get a job that summer. Within the next couple of months, I had it all planned to go to massage school in Salt Lake, and travel to Provo to do the trainings.

As I look back on the how I was lead to do the teaching training I am amazed. I had several other dreams confirming my inspiration on taking the training. As I finish up I am once again reminded that this is just the beginning. I know I am being led to the life that I desire to live. Words cannot even describe the thankfulness I feel for the ability to me able to be apart of the Bodhi yoga teacher training. It has changed all aspects of my life in ways that I cannot even describe. It is more than just training about yoga postures, it is a life altering experience that has allowed me to see my own potential. It has nursed my starving spirit back to health. I feel like when I entered the program I was a in a cocoon, being nourished and protected, now I am a beautiful butterfly getting ready to spread her wings and sore.

Getting to know Syl, and seeing her life transform has been an unforgettable experience. Her story has brought me much hope that I can to be alive again. I love Syl and the truth she shares. She has opened herself up for all to see, and I am so grateful for the sacrifices she has made to do this. I will cherish the times I had with my fellow Yoga teacher training trainings, and the experiences we had together.

For any of you out there who are feeling hope, despair, and a true loss, I know where you have been, and I promise you that there is healing for you. I now have a light burning inside of being. I am now soaring with the many possibilities. My todays and tomorrows are bright, and so can yours. Namaste.

Chanting

I would love to have the ability to chant. When I chant a I feel a part of me that is so deep and that has been dormant. I no longer want that person to remain asleep. I want them to arise and join me. Ever since learning how to chant, I crave it in my daily routine. I have Syl's chanting c.d that I chant along with. One particular chant that I do everyday is the Mata Kali chant. it goes like this

"OM MATA KALI, KALI DRUGA MA"

"SRI MA, SRI MA, SRI MA, SIR"

It means:

"Oh Mother Kali, Kali Protective Mother

Beautiful Prosperous, Graceful Mother,

The power of Desire"

This chant means so much to me. When I hear it I feel a powerful energy come up from the earth, move up my feet and circulate my entire body. It is so grounding and comforting. http://gobodhiyoga.com