Wings

On this beautiful Friday morning I find myself enjoying my typical green smoothie particularly green today with spinach, kale, and collard greens. They are accented with the creamy texture of banana and pear, and the sweet taste of ripened blueberries. As I slowly allow this mixture to gently glide down my throat I am grateful for the strength it gives my body. This experience is magnified by the sound of my current favorite band: Mumford and Sons. Their lyrics are borrowed from Shakespeare and the bible. They have so much emotion in each song that spills over into my heart and soul. This is particularly appreciated at this time as I am swimming in a brilliant pool of emotions, thoughts, passions, hopes, dreams, and the array of possibles. I have recently asked myself the questions, "Katie, who are? What does your heart honestly desire?" Such simple questions should yield simple answers. Right? Wrong. You see I stand four weeks away from graduating massage therapy school. Man did that every fly by. I have grown exponentially. I have found love, friends, passions, a new way of life. Yoga has slowly breathed life into my limp body. It has transformed me into a vibrant being who dares to dream again. Now I could off on all my negative fears, worries and limiting beliefs, but what good does that do? Instead let me share with you what I know and feel.

What a fantastic place for me to be really. I get to choose whatever I want to do. Lately, I have been feeling the need to do all these ground things in discovering what I want to do. There are millions of sources out there that really can help us channel our feelings, dreams into what we really want. I guess you could say I have felt overwhelmed that I decided not to do anything. I have been passively waiting for the universe to bring me what I really want. Funny thing is how can it bring me anything when i do not know what to ask for. I keep allowing my thoughts to invade me with "oh just wait it out." Hello! How on earth can someone like me wait? Hmmm...now i know there are times when patience is how we should embrace a situation, yet I let myself become depressed in the name of patience. Crying myself to sleep and waking with those same tears is no way to live. On one particularly bad morning i wrote this plea to my Heavenly Father, "One would think that after all the inspiration and spiritual conformation I have received that I would be on top of my game loving life, and the array of possibilities that come with it. No, instead I am left feeling empty, depressed and lethargic. I feel like my dream scape has been sucked dry, and that I am passively lying on a rough, cracked, uneven dessert floor. It’s overcast, yet it won’t rain. If only I could have some rain. That would heal my wounds right? That would bring green and growth to my desolate dessert. Ahhh…the thought of rain, with its cool refreshing touch that glides down your skin, mixing in and washing away your tears. The aroma of hope and a new start. I feel like a flower, wilted and dying." What is so ironic is that very day it rained. I let the thought of just to wait to take over my ability to dream and actively play a part in my life. I let myself get lost in self pity. I was overwhelmed at the steps i could take. Even this morning as I gently laid in bed feeling the little rays of the warm sun caress my face, I could myself trying to sift through all the crap in my head, to find what I could today to change my situation.

Yesterday was a big eye opener for me. In my business class we had a panel of massage therapist come and answer our questions about being in business. The panel consisted of four women who have all been involved in the massage industry for the past five years. They have their own businesses, and are strong, powerful women who have created for themselves what what they want. I left feeling this urgently to start deciding what i wanted. When I came home I found my gemstone necklace had been sent back to me after being restrung and rejuvenated. What a gift from my angels. The purpose of this necklace is to give strength in helping one find their personal power. I drove down to teach yoga. I was blessed to be able to get there an hour early. This allowed me to do some chanting and meditation, before class. During yoga I could feel myself getting frustrated and agitated. The ever present thoughts of hopelessness were all around me. Luckily for me, afterwards i had planned to stay and study anatomy with Christi and Frank. A gift that I may not be able to explain. I expressed my feelings of frustration and hopelessness in not knowing what I wanted to do. As we rubbed warmth into each others feet Frank told of us life. Just talking to him brought me much hope about what I could do.

Now that I have cleared my head, I am ready to claim back my power and my right to be happy. The thought came to me of opening my own place, or finding a place to rent with someone. Why not create what I can't find? Sounds good to me. I have talents. I have the ability to attract the people, money and experiences in my life that will bring me the most joy. My wings are working and ready to sore to new heights. Whoever wants to come with me. COME! Come into my life like a great wind bringing with you the gifts that will lift and strengthen us. Thank you God, I am and joyful and grateful that i am now having my angles:

Help me connect with like-minded people.

Help me be aware of my power.

Help me be aware of my importance.

Guide me to thoughts that are in harmony with my core desires.

Bring me evidence of how this creation process works in fun, delightful and comfortable ways.

Now instead of waiting for what I want to come to me I going to find it. I may have to try things out to decided if I really like them, for how will I ever know if I do not try? I know my Heavenly Father will be there with me protecting me and allowing me to sore and discover what I want. Namaste.

Freedom

Happy New Year! First off, I would like to say good bye to 2010. Thank you 2010 for all that you taught me. I do not even know where I would be if i did not experience the many things I did. I grew so much. I graduated high school, found yoga, and most importantly found a love in my Savior Jesus Christ that had been dim for so long. Now instead of living in a dimly lit room, that was narrow and empty, I am living high on a mountain top, green with foliage, with a warm river of the most exquisite blue imaginable. I am surrounded by an army of people, or not only help and support me. I had a dream last year that I feel pretty much sums up the changes that I made in 2010.

I recently had a dream, where I saw my self as an 8 year old walking on this desolate road that ran through such a dark and dreary place[1]. She was completely alone. Everything was gray and lifeless. What was even more frightening than the landscape was the countenance of the child I was looking at. Her once beautiful blue eyes that radiated joy and happiness, were dull and faded, the smile that was normally seen was no where to be found. Her sun kissed cheeks were pale and limp. Her body that loved to dance for hours was lifeless. She just kept walking forward, she was being pulled by little ropes[2], that were barley noticeable. I called to my little 8 year old Katie self, yet I knew that she could not hear me. I was dreaming and had no control. I just wanted somebody to help. [3]

As soon as I thought this, I saw my niece, Mary who I had grown up with come to me. Though she is now still a child, in my dream she was a powerful young woman. She had a sword, in her hand, and a bow with arrows slung over her back. Her blond hair was illuminated with bright light, and her brown eyes showed determination. With one quick movement Mary cut the cords that blinded my little 8 year old Katie to that destructive and painful path.[4]

Little Katie fell onto the ground, weak, and frightened not knowing what to do with this new freedom. I watched helplessly. Then I saw my younger sister Anna, come. I saw her as a powerful young woman. Anna’s loving nurturing personality was just what my dying young Katie needed. Anna instantly went to work helping Katie, She brushed her long gnarly hair, and braided it so it was out of her face. She bathed her, and put her in a new white dress. She spoke sweet words of encouragement, to her and sang songs of joy, that this young girl Katie had not heard for so long. As Anna, was helping Katie, Mary was standing guard. Then another girl came forth Sarah, my other niece. Sarah came in bringing Sunshine and joy. She was dancing and twirling as she laughed. Her Brown eyes emanating love and innocent. I saw my eight year old self, watch Sarah. I could see such a longing in her eyes to be free. However, she felt to ashamed, she could never, be like Sarah again. She had witnessed just too much Too many messages that degraded womanhood?

Sarah went over to little Katie and gave her a hug. Taking my young Katie’s hand into hers. Sarah was gentle and caring. Anna, explained to little Katie that they were going to take her on a high mountain where she would be safe, and where she could get some experience healing. As they walked Katie was racked with fear. “Fear” of moving foreword. She broke down sobbing. The three girls [young women] gently helped and encouraged her forward.

They were soon high upon a mountain top. The top of the mountain was covered with green trees and Foliage. In the center was a large weeping willow tree that seemed to invite Katie to stand under is shade. It was brilliant and safe.[5] Little Katie looked around with wonder. Mary stood by her the whole time arrow in hand, ready to protect her. I watched as a powerful light filled being showed up to be with Katie. As I looked at her I realized that once again it was me. This time instead of seeing a lifeless eight her old, I saw a being so full of light, and knowledge. She was gorgeous beyond any measure. Her eyes shown like lighthouses. Looking at her I knew that she was the daughter of Heavenly parents. I realized I was looking at my whole, wise spirit self. She went over to eight year old Katie, and started to talk to her. She told her that she was free now, and had nothing to fear. Little [Katie] started to cry and said that she did not deserve love and happiness

Being on the mountain[6] allowed the whole land to be viewed. My wise, mature spirit self told little Katie to look at the darkness and people who had blinded her, She said, “they may look like a large army, but look at the forces behind you.” As little Katie turned her head, her perspective changed. She saw an army bigger then she could imagine. People filled with light. They had on armor and weapons. As she turned back to spirit she noticed that she too was now wearing armor, and weapons. Little Katie, felt so much protection. She no longer feared. As the dream was coming to an end I watched as my little eight year old self starting dancing, she was smiling and happy, I watched her spin and evolve into eternally progressed daughter of god and perfected woman.

Good Bye 2010...Hello 2011.

I started out my 2011 by attending the annual Bodhi Yoga Floral Water Meditation. What an amazing experience. Syl explained the energy of the year, and what to kind of expect. This knowledge is priceless in helping me understand what to create for myself. During my mediation I learned so much. The first thing I learned was that it was now my name that I start to teach yoga. I have been wanting to but have been avoiding it because I was scared. However, at this time it is my calling and I can no longer deny it. For if I did I would be like unto Jonas, and I do not really want to be swallowed up by a whale. I really want to do the Thai Partner Yoga training this summer. During my mediation I heard a voice tell me that that would be brought unto me, however I needed to be grateful for what I already had with the current yoga training I have right now. I need to show my gratitude for that by really developing a sincere yoga practice and to teach it, which is exactly what I am going to do. During the mediation I heard a voice ask me what my heart what it wanted. I heard it say freedom. Wow. I realize now that I have been like a princess in a tower over looking a beautiful valley. I can see the view, feel the wind on my skin, smell the fresh air, and taste the warm of the sun on my tongue. I can do all these things but i can't live it. I am stuck in my tower, trapped. I see and know what i want yet, that's not enough. I want to experience it, and dance with it. I want to jump down from my tower and dance in the meadow below, I want to touch the ground and be able to choose where I run off to next. Life is a spiral ever circulating here and there. There are so many possibilities to one situation, that we could never even comprehend it. I was the one that took away my freedom. I banished myself to that tower, because I did not believe in my ability to choose for myself. No longer am I going to live like this. In order for my life to be what I desire for it, I need to believe in myself and my ability to create. I longer need to control everything, but rather let the creative spiral move out on its own, spiralling ever forward and outward, and bringing about an endless array of possibilities.

Thank you God, I am so happy and grateful that i am now in 2011 experiencing freedom to the fullest.

Thank you God, I am so happy and grateful that I am now in 2011 learning who Katie is and staying attentive so I may hear her voice.

Thank you God, I am so happy and grateful that I am now allowing the creative spiral to work freeing in my life.

Thank you God, I am so happy and grateful that I am now experiencing thee as my greatest ally

Namaste

Listen to your heart

I have struggled with Anxiety ever since I could remember. Its been one of those things that I have put up with for so long that I just figured it would never quite go away. I feel my anxiety in my solar plexus region. Like clockwork i would wake up every morning feeling a pit in my stomach where then butterflies would explode from. This same feeling would occur when I drove, took a test, or even just thought about something stressful. Needless to say, this is not how i wanted to live. To deal with the problem I would put essential oils on my 3rd charka every morning and night, to try and calm it down. This would work for a time, however on really bad days it would give me little relieve. One Saturday morning, I got up and decided to drive down to Orem for a yoga class. The teacher that particular day happened to be a Kopha. I was so excited, knowing that I would be lead through a deep class. She said she wanted our focus that day to be on our heart, and to allow it the space to open up. Keeping that in mind I let my heart lead my practice. During savasana I had a total realization that instead of trying of trying to "fix" the problem by going straight to be 3rd chakra I needed to strengthen my heart chakra. (This made perfect sense to me since in massage therapy when someone comes in with neck and shoulder problems I almost always check the pecs. For if the pecs are tight then the neck muscles get pulled which causes the pain. We are to look at the opposite muscle that could be causing the pain. ) I also had a huge realization that for so long I had been living through my 3rd chakra which is "I think" I always did things because i thought them out and they "logically" made sense. This is not necessarily a bad thing, however in the process of doing this i learned to be governed by guilt and fear, instead of joy and faith. My heart chakra had lost its ability to help balance the choices i was making. For when one is living out of their heart charka they do things because they feel that its what they want to do.

After class i went over to the grocery store to pick up some snacks for my ride home, since i had not eaten breakfast. I quickly noticed a sale they were having on produce. I instantly with out even thinking (wow what a thought *no pun intended) bought some kiwi, avocados, and a green goodness bottled juice. When i got home i realized that i had purchased all green food. Green being the color of the heart chakra, I also realized i was wearing a light pink shirt. For days all i craved was green fruit, and vegetables, and I wore tons of pink. My heart chakra was finally being nourished. So now when i get anxiety and wake up with the thousands of butterflies, I know to first treat my heart then treat I my solar plexus. Living through my heart has brought about more joy, and freedom then have ever experienced. I am having to learn to balance it with some 3rd chakra or i end up staying up talking till three o'clock in the morning, but oh well I am learning...

http://www.bodhiyoga.com/

Just the Beginning

Wow what an experience this teacher has been. As I finish up my last weekend of training, I am brought to ponder the journey I have begun. As I was sitting last night listening to Syl, I was overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and loss. I felt as if all I wanted to do was cry, and morn the loss of not having the awakening classes each month. As I sat with these feelings a voice said to me, “Katie, this is not the end but only the beginning.” After I heard these words I realized that they were right. I am now just starting my journey down this wonder path, of awakening, healing, and my new way of life. After each weekend session, I could feel a new part of me awake. However, I must say that weekend four has had a profound effect on me, and has propelled me to want more, more joy, love, happiness, health, power, freedom. All of which I know are obtainable. I have been watching Syl’s Manifesting series. Wow. There really is no more to say about them.

As I sat last night after realizing that the journey is just beginning I thought about all the events that have led up to me being able to do the teacher training. I remember the place I was at last December at this time. I will never forget, the feelings of despair I felt. Day after day, I tried to be happy when all around me was darkness, and despair. I was sick almost every holiday, and three day weekend. I could literally feel my spirit starving for something more, something better. My senior year which I though should have been one of the best times in my life was no less then a struggle everyday to fight for the truths I cherished. As I look back I realize that during this time of complete survival, I was being led and blessed beyond ways I could ever imagine. The march of my junior year I remember going to Syl’s website. I do not know why I was led to go there, but I was. I sat for hours reading about all they trainings she offered. When I saw the Thai Partner Yoga, I felt something inside of me do a little jump like YES, this is what I want to do, even though I knew little about it.. Then I saw the yoga teacher training. Somehow I just knew that I even though I eventually wanted to become to be trained as a TPY, I needed to take this training to become a yoga instructor. I did not know how I would do it but, I knew that I would. Months went, and my senior year started. As I started planning where I wanted to go to school, the YTT was on my mind. I remember making a vision board, and putting the Bodhi Yoga logo on it.

During my senior year I was ASB president, a member of the band, on the honor roll, and held down a job. But I was not happy. Yes I enjoyed the many events that being a senior had to offer, but it felt so meaningless. As the months wore on I forgot about my desire to do yoga., until that January. I remember waking one Saturday morning, and like always going into my mom’s room to talk to her. We were talking and I started to cry. I expressed to her how stuck I felt. As I was explaining this to her, I realized I had had a dream that night. This is the dream: The dream started out with me in the band room at Lakeview High School. I was wearing black leggings and a black shirt. Over this I had my big pink robe that does not flatter my body what so ever. I was arguing with someone about how I knew I could fly, but they would not believe me. I was getting so upset. I just so wanted people to see what I was capable of. Then my dream turned to a nature scene. I was crying when a woman came to me and had me change into more flattering cloths. Then she walked be to the most amazing weeping willow tree. I walked over to the tree and just hugged the rough bark, as the braches that fell down wrapped around me. I started crying even harder for I finally felt safe.

As I was talking to my mom about it I told her I felt like the women in the women in my dream was Syl Carson, and the weeping willow was my Savior, and that Syl would help lead me to him and his healing. I felt so strong about doing the Yoga Certification program that she teaches. My mom trusted my inspiriting about the whole situation, but was not sure how any of it would work out, she wanted me to be wise with my money, and do schooling that would provide me with an income. Despite, her realism, I never gave up hope on being able to do the teacher training,

I had almost three thousand dollars saved. That March I went back to Syl’s site to see how much money it would be to do the training. To my amazement and delight it was almost the exact amount that I had saved up. Plus I was to get a job that summer. Within the next couple of months, I had it all planned to go to massage school in Salt Lake, and travel to Provo to do the trainings.

As I look back on the how I was lead to do the teaching training I am amazed. I had several other dreams confirming my inspiration on taking the training. As I finish up I am once again reminded that this is just the beginning. I know I am being led to the life that I desire to live. Words cannot even describe the thankfulness I feel for the ability to me able to be apart of the Bodhi yoga teacher training. It has changed all aspects of my life in ways that I cannot even describe. It is more than just training about yoga postures, it is a life altering experience that has allowed me to see my own potential. It has nursed my starving spirit back to health. I feel like when I entered the program I was a in a cocoon, being nourished and protected, now I am a beautiful butterfly getting ready to spread her wings and sore.

Getting to know Syl, and seeing her life transform has been an unforgettable experience. Her story has brought me much hope that I can to be alive again. I love Syl and the truth she shares. She has opened herself up for all to see, and I am so grateful for the sacrifices she has made to do this. I will cherish the times I had with my fellow Yoga teacher training trainings, and the experiences we had together.

For any of you out there who are feeling hope, despair, and a true loss, I know where you have been, and I promise you that there is healing for you. I now have a light burning inside of being. I am now soaring with the many possibilities. My todays and tomorrows are bright, and so can yours. Namaste.

Chanting

I would love to have the ability to chant. When I chant a I feel a part of me that is so deep and that has been dormant. I no longer want that person to remain asleep. I want them to arise and join me. Ever since learning how to chant, I crave it in my daily routine. I have Syl's chanting c.d that I chant along with. One particular chant that I do everyday is the Mata Kali chant. it goes like this

"OM MATA KALI, KALI DRUGA MA"

"SRI MA, SRI MA, SRI MA, SIR"

It means:

"Oh Mother Kali, Kali Protective Mother

Beautiful Prosperous, Graceful Mother,

The power of Desire"

This chant means so much to me. When I hear it I feel a powerful energy come up from the earth, move up my feet and circulate my entire body. It is so grounding and comforting. http://gobodhiyoga.com

Weekend Four

What an exceptional weekend I had. My spirit was truly fed. So many things are going on through my head this morning. Now that I have this knowledge I feel like I need to do something with it. I want to know more. I feel like the information that Syl gives me is just the tip of the iceberg. However, I am afraid to go to other places to learn because she teaches with such a sacred spirit, and is able to incorporate and talk about how the church ties into the path of a yogi. I would just love to take the Thai Partner yoga training. My soul just cries out at the thought of knowing such information. I was really struck while on the website when it said, “depending on how dedicated you are in making your gift known to others” I feel as if I have untapped gifts waiting to blossom and be known. For what ever reason I felt so strong in doing the teacher training, and the very first time I went onto Syl’s website I had this feeling that I wanted to become a Thai Partner Therapist. I feel like I could not only make a living off of this, but I would save my body all the extra work of trying to give a traditional Swedish massage. I have not yet figured out how to make that a spiritual and rewarding practice, because right now my client is getting benefits yet I am left exhausted and sore. I know I just began and that I have a long way to go, but my light is dieing out fast. I know that being a LMT is a great tool to have and that I am not by any means wasting neither time nor money by doing it. I was really struck by the conversation we had about Karma and Dharma, Such an interesting and profound idea, also the idea of intention and manifesting. . I come up with so many ideas, and I play situations out in my head hoping that they will come true, however if the power of creation is like unto a spiral, then the power that is in my life is truly limitless. An image keeps coming into my mind of a circle of light trying to move outward but a it is stuck inside a wood box. The wood box is keeping the spiral trapped, however at any moment the box could shatter. If the box were to shatter then the spiral would be freed. I want the box to collapse, but I am afraid at what might happen if it does. The idea of controlling our life and just living with what happens is an idea I have lived with for so long. I would not even know what to expect. When I hear the chant of mata Kalli I feel this warmth and sacred power flow through me. My Heavenly Mother. I am ready for a different way to live. I am ready to co-create a life of joy and happiness right now. I do not know a lot about this but I have the faith to make the leap. If my savior is with me then I know all things are possible and that I need not fear. I do have a worry of Failing, or not “doing” something correctly. Having the tip of information that I do, I feel like I know just enough to start the change, yet not enough to manifest and keep it going. I pray that I may be lead to know what to do how to do it. I am bringing in now that I can learn through the good times. Good things do happen to people. I am open to and receiving what thou has in store. I am letting in faith, hope, and joy as I take the leap in letting the manifest process happen. http://www.gobodhiyoga.com

Teaching my first Yoga Class

This evening I thought my first yoga class. It was 35 minuets and included hands on adjustments. I thought my two roommates and a friend of ours. I had a hard time feeling confident, because the group I was teaching were not very serious about yoga. I enjoyed using hands on adjustments, I think it adds a great benefit to a class, and in helping people know how its feels to be in a posture. I know I just need to practice teaching more and not to be afraid to share what I know. I tend to have high expectations on myself and when they are not met I get disappointed. I am determined not to let this experience get me down about my ability to teach. I love yoga so much. I just wish I knew how to articulate how I feel about it others, but I guess if others do not care then it does not matter how much one tries. This was a good experience for me to have. It helped me to realize that no matter what I still love yoga and will continue to practice it despite others ignorance about it.